"Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart. (they were ON SALE) for my 2 dogs. I was about to check out when a women behind me asked if I had a dog. (What did she think I had? An elephant.)
Since I had little else to do, and I'm pretty much an asshole, I told her no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side I lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.
I told her it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my balls and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.....WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.